[SPITE ME OL MIGHTY SPITER!]

ALRIGHTY.... SOAP OPERA CONTINUES....

LAST SATURDAY, RYAN TOOK CAE FOR THE DAY. HE AGREED ON NO OVERNIGHTS FOR AWHILE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, EVEN THOUGH HE'S BEEN 'SOBER.'

AROUND 5PM RYAN TEXTS ME 'DONT BOTHER COMING TO GET CAELUM, IM TAKING HIM FOR THE NIGHT' ... MY RESPONSE? 'NO WAY.'

SO AT 7:30PM, JOSH AND I HEADED TO OCEANSIDE TO GRAB CAELUM. WE AGREED TO STAY CALM, AND IF HE DOESN'T COMPLY WE WILL JUST CALL THE POLICE AND LET THEM SORT THINGS OUT.

OF COURSE WE GET THERE AND RYAN DOESN'T OPEN THE DOOR, AND TELLS US TO GO AHEAD AND CALL THE COPS. SO WE DID. THEY SHOWED UP, AND TOLD US THAT THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE A VISITATION AGREEMENT ON PAPER.

IVE NEVER FELT SO HELPLESS IN MY LIFE. I CRIED. THERE WAS NOTHINGGGG THEY COULD DO?!

SO JOSH BEING ALL SNEAKY DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND SERVE RYAN WITH THE COURT PAPERS FROM A WEEK OR SO AGO, AND TRY TO EGG HIM ON TO THREATEN HIM OR SOMETHING SO WE COULD GET THE COPS BACK....

THIS WORKED.... RYAN CAME TO THE DOOR WITH A SPEARGUN. YES, A SPEARGUN. A BIGGG ONE. MY LIFE HAS TURNED INTO A JERRY SPRINGER EPISODE APPARENTLY. SO I CALLED THE COPS AGAIN, AND THEY HADNT LEFT, SO I RAN DOWNSTAIRS AND GOT THEM IN THE NICK OF TIME.

THEY CAME UPSTAIRS AND HANDCUFFED RYAN, ASKED HIM IF HED THREATENED JOSH... HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY 'NO' ... EVEN THOUGH THE SPEARGUN WAS IN THE DOORWAY.... THE COPS ALSO ASKED IF HE'D BEEN DRINKING... HE SAID YES (!!!!! WTF!). THEY LET ME IN TO GO TO CAELUM WHO WAS HANGING OUT IN HIS PACK N PLAY. WHILE I WAS WITH CAE, THE COPS ASKED JOSH IF HE'D LIKE TO PRESS CHARGES, AND HE SAID NO, ONLY IF WE COULD TAKE CAELUM HOME. RYAN AGREED.

WHAT A NIGHT. SO HAPPY TO HAVE CAE HOME WITH ME. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAD HAPPENED. JOSH IS SO BRAVE AND AMAZING. DONT KNOW WHAT ID DO WITHOUT HIM.

NOW IM JUST HEARTBROKEN... ALL I CAN DO IS THROW UP MY ARMS.... RYAN HAS LEFT ME ABSOLUTELY ANY CHOICES.... WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I DONT TRUST HIM, I DONT TRUST HIM WITH CAE... HE NEEDS HELP. OBVIOUSLY HE STILL WANTS TO SEE CAE... BUT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO RESORT TO SUPERVISED VISITS... I NEED SOMETHING ON PAPER. IM SO STRESSED.

I LOVE JOSH. I LOVE MY MOM. I LOVE MY FRIENDS. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT! WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS SOMEHOW.


[LATER THAT WEEKEND...]
PUMPKIN PATCH...

MY AWESOME FRIEND, LIZ, COMES INTO TOWN THIS WEEKEND, WE ARE SO EXCITED! THEN NEXT FRIDAY I GET TO GO SEE CHRIS YOUNG AND JASON ALDEAN WITH MY PMB GIRLS... SOOOO EXCITED! THEN THAT NEXT DAY, I GET TO MOVE IN WITH JOSH! SO EXCITED!

I HAVE SOOOOOO MUCH TO DO. YIKESSSSS.
WISH ME LUCK!

[INCREDIBLE HULK?]

WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU, MAKES YOU STRONGER. I HOPE BY THE END OF THIS, I AM MRS. INCREDIBLE HULK. I MIGHT LOOK GOOD IN GREEN.... MUA HA HA.

SO HERES THE DEAL...

[IN MY LIFE....]

LAST WEEKEND WAS RYAN'S WEEKEND WITH CAE... AND SATURDAY NIGHT (OCT 1ST) AROUND 7:30 I GOT TWO CALLS FROM A NUMBER I DIDN'T KNOW, SO I DIDN'T ANSWER IT, BUT A LITTLE WHILE AFTER I CHECKED MY VOICEMAIL... THE MESSAGE IS FROM SOME GIRL AND IT WENT A LITTLE LIKE THIS...
             "HI JENNIFER, MY NAME IS REBECCA SMITH, AND YOU DONT KNOW BE BUT I KNOW RYAN AND HE WAS COMING UP TO VISIT ME TODAY IN BIG BEAR, AND GOT PULLED OVER. I HAVE YOUR SON. RYAN WAS STOPPED FOR SPEEDING, AND WHEN ASKED IF HE HAD BEEN DRINKING HE SAID 'I DRANK LAST NIGHT, BUT NOT TODAY'... WELLLLL, HE STILL HAD A BLOOD-ALCOHOL LEVEL HIGH ENOUGH TO BRING HIM TO JAIL. AND HE CALLED ME TO PICK UP CAELUM SO HE WOULDN'T GO TO C.P.S. HE IS FINE, BUT PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL BACK."
WTF?!?!?! I CALLED HER RIGHT BACK AND SHE SAID THAT RYAN GOT PULLED OVER AT 2 IN THE AFTERNOON, AND THAT HE SAID HE SHOULD BE OUT IN 5 HRS AND THAT SHE'D CALL THE SHERIFF TO GET AN UPDATE.
I COULDN'T BREATHE! I WAS SHAKING! I CAME IN AND TOLD JOSH AND ALMOST BROKE DOWN. SHE CALLED ME BACK AND SAID THAT RYAN WASNT GOING TO GET OUT UNTIL ABOUT 10AM SUNDAY MORNING, AND AFTER THAT WHO KNEW HOW LONG ITD TAKE TO GET HIS TRUCK OUT OF IMPOUND.... ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS?! SO I TOLD HER ID BE UP IN 3 HRS. SHE ASKED IF I WAS SURE, THAT EVERYTHING REALLY WAS OK, AND OF COURSE I RESPONDED THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS SLEEPING TONIGHT ANYWAYS SO IM ON MY WAY.
JOSH IS AMAZING AND DROVE BOTH WAYS UP TO THE TOP OF BIG BEAR AND BACK TO GET CAELUM (MIND YOU HE HAD ALREADY BEEN TO LA THAT DAY AND OUT TO VALLEY CENTER). BEST REUNION EVER. I NEVER KNEW WAS RELIEF WAS UNTIL I HAD THAT BOY IN MY ARMS! I COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT HIM IN THE BACK OF MY CAR.

FIRST THING MONDAY I WENT TO COURT AND OF COURSE DIDN'T GET THERE EARLY ENOUGH, AND THEY COULDN'T HELP ME WITH A DAMN THING. OUR SYSTEM SUCKS. NOT EVEN EMERGENCY CUSTODY OR ANYTHING. SUCH BS. I WENT STRAIGHT TO CAES DAYCARE AND PICKED HIM UP 3 HRS EARLY BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED THAT RYAN MIGHT GO AND PICK HIM UP. I INFORMED THE DAYCARE OF EVERYTHING, AND THEY SAID LEGALLY THEY COULDNT STOP HIM, BUT THEY COULD CALL ME AND STALL. I WAS TOO PARANOID LOL.

SOOOO I WENT BACK TO COURT TUESDAY AT 6:30AM, RHIANA WAS AMAZING AND CAME OVER TO WATCH CAE AT 6AM (AND WE BOTH KNOW 6AM IS NOT CHILE TIME LOL). 7 HOURS LATER, I GOT A MEDIATION DATE FOR DECEMBER FOR FULL CUSTODY AND VISITATION... SAME SCHEDULE BUT NO OVERNIGHTS UNTIL HE (AND SOMEONE ELSE) CAN PROVE TO ME HE IS A CHANGED MAN.

WHAT A WEEKEND. SUCH BS. IVE NEVER BEEN SO NERVOUS, ANXIOUS, HEARTBROKEN, AND SCARED TO DEATH IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

JUST GLAD I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE TO SUPPORT ME, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM NOT IN IT COMPLETELY ALONE. SURE IS A LOT EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE AN ARMY BEHIND YOU.

RYANS PARENTS DROVE ALL THE WAY TO BIG BEAR SUNDAY TO GET HIM OUT OF JAIL. AND HIS DAD DROVE HIM BACK UP THERE MONDAY TO GET HIS TRUCK. RYAN SENT ME ABOUT 50 TEXTS SUNDAY AND THEN COMPLETELY STOPPED. HE TEXTED ME YESTERDAY THAT HE LEFT CAES MEDS ON MY DOORSTEP (WE WERE HOME, DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL HE WAS GONE). I FINALLY TEXTED HIM BACK TO TELL HIM THAT WE NEEDED TO TALK. I INFORMED HIM ABOUT COURT. HE AGREED TO HAVE THINGS ON PAPER, AND EVEN AGREED TO NO OVERNIGHTS. HOPEFULLY WE CAN REACH AN AGREEMENT SOON, SO WE DONT HAVE TO WAIT TIL DEC TO GO TO COURT.

WHAT A MESS.

[IN OTHER NEWS....]
IM GETTING MUCH BETTER AT DRIVING MY CAR! WOOT! STILL TERRIFIED OF HILLS SO I PURPOSELY TAKE ROUTES THAT DONT INVOLVE HILLS LOL.

[FOOD]
IVE BEEN TERRIBLE. PROBABLY BECAUSE OF STRESS AND  NOT GOING GROCERY SHOPPING... BUT THOSE ARE NOT EXCUSES. BAD JEN!

[EXERCISE]
I WENT TO YOGA TWICE THIS WEEK... FELT SO GOOD TO CLEAR MY MIND ESP SINCE IVE HAD SOOOOO MUCH ON IT. AND YESTERDAY I WENT RUNNING. THE WEATHER WAS AMAZING, SUN WAS OUT, BREEZE WAS COOL, ... IT IS FALL! ANDDDD I DID 4 MILES! I WAS SOOOOO STOKED! EVEN WHEN I GOT DONE, I FELT LIKE I COULD HAVE GONE FURTHER! I WANT TO GO AGAIN TODAY, BUT I THINK MY KNEES WOULD HATE ME, SO ILL REFRAIN AND GO TUESDAY (MONDAY IS MY YOGA DAY).


ALRIGHTY FOLKS... THATS ABOUT ALL I GOT FOR YA...
IM SUPPOSE TO TALK TO RYAN TODAY TO WORK SOMETHING OUT. I THINK IM GOING TO GO HARD. HE CANT WALK AWAY WITH A SLAP ON THE WRIST. ESP BECAUSE HE HAS TWO DUIS ALREADY... IM SURE HE IS FACING JAIL TIME. SO SCARY. JUST HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF, THAT THESE WERE HIS CHOICES, NOT MINE. I DONT NEED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT ANY OF IT. HE HASN'T LEFT ME WITH OPTIONS... I JUST HATE THAT IT HAD TO ALL COME TO THIS.

STAND FAST MY FRIENDS.

OXOX
J